Category 6 ride report written by by David Smith

THE THREE BIKE TRICK (OR “FIND THE LAWYER”)

The official Ride Leader called in Uncle Dick[1] and requested a volunteer replacement. Kevin (not to be confused with Kevin), Kevin, and I were the only attendees, and held a secret vote, the outcome of which remained secret. So instead, we had a show of hands, resulting in a unanimous choice of Kevin (not Kevin).

Down the old frog[2] we rode, via Fanham’s Hall to Hadham Cross, where Desperate Dan was to meet us at 8.35 a.m. At 8.44 Kevin (the first one) called him to enquire his whereabouts and received a curiously worded WhatsApp message about a “V late night (sic)[3].”

Surrounded by Kevins I felt rather like the queen in the 3-card trick, moving my position from time to time, and trying to guess which one I was. For the record, I won that particular game, but in all fairness no-one else joined in.

Arrived at Thremhall Park the entrance was controlled by a couple of ice-creams[4] who were quite happy to let us in (there was an event in throe) but Kevin noticed a queue snaking out of the cafe, and Kevin reminded us that the service times at Thremhall Park Cafe were about the same length as those in the nearby Church and would not be shortened by the influx of patrons.

A further vote was taken and Kevin decided we’d ride to Stortford and Cafe Mocha instead. It added 20-odd minutes to the elevenses time, but since we’d started at 8 o’clock elevenses was still taken early. Teas, coffee, teacake, croissants and beans and mushrooms on toast duly consumed we returned via Hadham Cross and (Tony’s favourite) Kettle Green Road.

I’m not certain whether it was Kevin’s idea or Kevin’s, but they repaired to a local battle[5] to resolve the issue over a couple of cuffs[6].

Thanks

[1] Uncle Dick – sick.

[2] Frog and toad – road.

[3] Any allusion to this message relating to over-indulgence in alcohol will be referred to Dan’s lawyer, who also likes a drink.

[4] Ice-cream freezer – geyser.

[5] Battle-cruiser – boozer.

[6] Cuff-link – drink.